Dating in Holland: ‘I struggled with the emotional distancing’

“Coming to the Netherlands felt like being born again,” Dana says. When she fled to the Netherlands in 2019, she had a clear plan: study, work and live. At the time, there was no room for a relationship. Now she lives in Utrecht and is an intern at an organisation supporting refugees.

Rami (26) works as a team leader in a shop and studies ICT in Utrecht. He too was not thinking about relationships when he came to the Netherlands in 2017. “I had an ideal image of Europe. The reality turned out to be different. You arrive and right away you have all kinds of obligations. You have to adjust to the grey weather and pay taxes.”

In the Netherlands, Dana immediately made contact with people who spoke Arabic. Yet she felt different. Their habits had been influenced by the individualism and aloofness of Europe. “Being there for others is in my nature. If you are waiting for a bus, I will have a chat with you instead of immediately waving goodbye and cycling away. Here, I was often alone waiting for the bus after a night out.”

Dating apps

After completing her education, Dana was ready for a relationship. She downloaded Tinder. “The old-fashioned way is impossible here. Where a stranger accidentally bumps into you to help you pick up your stuff,” Dana jokes.

For Rami, a dating app didn't work. “I immediately deleted the app again. Online, people show their very best side. The match is often based on superficial things. It feels a bit fake. Meeting someone in real life can be difficult. You have to take the 1st step yourself.” For instance, 1 year after his arrival in the Netherlands, he met a young woman in a café. He noticed she was also interested in him. He stepped up to her and asked if he could follow her on Instagram.

“If you do start dating online, I advise people to take their time after a match,” Dana says. She warns against fetishism based on ethnicity. “Some men seek Arab women because they have a stereotypical image: that Arab women are submissive and have no personality of their own. Be careful with these kinds of men.”

At first, she hoped to find a man who speaks Arabic. But she got a match with a Dutchman. “His profile matched mine well. We immediately had in-depth conversations. He came across as quiet and chill and I found that attractive. On the contrary, I was used to relationships that were very intense.”

Learning Dutch from your relationship

Dana benefited from being able to communicate fluently in English, but this made her less likely to learn Dutch from her Dutch boyfriend. Rami, on the other hand, spoke English less well and because of his friend, his Dutch improved quickly. “She taught me the colloquial language, which you don't learn in school,” she said. But because Rami was still learning the language, he says the contact remained superficial. “We only talked about everyday things. We missed depth in the relationship. After six months, it was over.”

Dana: “I felt more connected to Dutch society after I met my friend's parents. They welcomed me and were kind.” Still, there were big challenges. “I struggled with the emotional detachment of both society and my friend. The Dutch are more practical than emotional. I appreciate this down-to-earthness, but at some point you have to come out of your shell and meet the other person. Otherwise you stand alone and remain an outsider, even if you try your best.”

Communicating is most important

In recent years, Rami has dated women from different cultural backgrounds. “You can't decide in advance who you will fall in love with. So the other person's culture doesn't matter to me.” He stresses that you should keep your expectations realistic and not be afraid to take initiative. “Many people are afraid of being rejected. The worst thing you can hear is a “no”. It's not a catastrophe.”

“A relationship between two people from different cultures can be very beautiful,” says Dana. “But both sides need to invest in it. By communicating, you can find a middle ground. This also applies on a larger social scale, by the way. Dutch people can also learn a lot more from other cultures. ‘It takes 2 to tango’.”

This story was produced in collaboration with RefugeeHelp.

Photo: ANP